How the Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
   
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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
   
I replied "Dust".
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
   
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
   
'I bought her a scale.
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
   
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
   
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
   
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
   
And that's when the fight started....
   
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
   
'No,' she answered.
   
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
   
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
   
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
   
And that's when the fight started....
   
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
   
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
   
And that's when the fight started.....
   
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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
   
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
   
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
   
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
   
And that's when the fight started.....

9 Words Women Use!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  ;
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying  *&^%$  YOU!
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:  Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
 
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Ah Beng And Leaves

Ah Beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his friend, Ah Mute.

Ah Mute couldn't speak so he uses use sign language to communicate.

Ah Mute signalled why Ah Beng wasn't at work.

Ah Beng looked around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stood on them. He looked at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves.

Ah Mute was confused....

Later, Ah Sian passed by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves.

Ah Mute then signalled Ah Sian on what was Ah Beng was trying to say ..

Ah Sian began typing on his handphone and showed it to Ah Mute.

'Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!'

Letter Salary Increment

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
  
Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
 
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
 
Your$ $incerely,
 
Marian $hih



The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
 
Dear Marian
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
 
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
 
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager

Muthu

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'

MUTHU & HIS MANAGER
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview... .
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'

MUTHU & LONDON TRIP
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London  , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'.. that's why.'
Wife : ?????????

MUTHU & TOURIST
A tourist from U.S.A.  asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said , 'No sir, only babies were born here.'

MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'

MUTHU & DRIVER
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard
'WASH BASIN'

MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination. '

MUTHU & PRESS
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????? ???
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '*PRESS*' pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!