Jokes Collection

Meaning Of Cars

2009-12-23T09:17:00.000+08:00

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

2009-12-22T09:20:00.001+08:00

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle..

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon…………

This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer,lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Tell your friends to frustrate them too.

Boss In Facebook

2009-08-17T16:57:00.001+08:00

This is what happens if you add your boss as friend in your facebook:

As a conclusion, do not add your boss... :D

6 Phases Of Working

2009-05-28T08:45:00.001+08:00

Phase 1
You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great.
Your co-workers are wonderful, your office is cute,
you love your boss, and your President is the best!

Phase 2
You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are
so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

Phase 3
You are listening to heavy metal --
This is what happens after about SIX Months!

Phase 4
You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress,
you're gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so
tired and have so much work to do and when you get home you have more work to do.
You feel sluggish and suffer from constipation.
Your fellow co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in.

Phase 5
You are listening to GANGSTA RAP --
After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch,
you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you
just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6
You are listening to the voices in your head --
You have locked the office door to keep people out,
You wonder WHY you are even here in the first
place and WHY did I come to work today!

Oracle's Real-Life Q & A

2009-04-22T09:22:00.001+08:00

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'

Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'

Management Course

2009-04-20T08:37:00.001+08:00

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A Letter To Bill Gates

2009-04-07T13:16:00.001+08:00

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Teamwork

2009-04-01T13:13:00.001+08:00

Click image to enlarge:

Wife vs Girlfriend

2009-02-23T10:22:00.001+08:00

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Hand phone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptablebut for HP is high and often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote..HP don't have..

Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but HP yes......... .have VIRUS....... ........ once get it, terus KONG........ hahahahaha. .....
so better choose TV .....

...(but my friend claims he got fully anti-virus protection)

Cadbury Advert

2009-02-19T15:11:00.000+08:00

Funny how the eyebrows move... :D

Top Management Training

2009-02-18T15:29:00.001+08:00

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and

Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

The Mom Song

2009-02-16T12:30:00.001+08:00

Nice Song... :D

How the Fight Started

2009-02-04T10:44:00.001+08:00

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

'I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

9 Words Women Use!

2009-02-04T08:43:00.001+08:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
;
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying *&^%$ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Ah Beng And Leaves

2009-01-15T16:46:00.001+08:00

Ah Beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his friend, Ah Mute.

Ah Mute couldn't speak so he uses use sign language to communicate.

Ah Mute signalled why Ah Beng wasn't at work.

Ah Beng looked around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stood on them. He looked at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves.

Ah Mute was confused....

Later, Ah Sian passed by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves.

Ah Mute then signalled Ah Sian on what was Ah Beng was trying to say ..

Ah Sian began typing on his handphone and showed it to Ah Mute.

'Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!'

Letter Salary Increment

2009-01-05T16:15:00.001+08:00

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Marian $hih

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Muthu

2009-01-02T15:24:00.001+08:00

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'

MUTHU & HIS MANAGER
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview... .
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'

MUTHU & LONDON TRIP
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'.. that's why.'
Wife : ?????????

MUTHU & TOURIST
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said , 'No sir, only babies were born here.'

MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'

MUTHU & DRIVER
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard
'WASH BASIN'

MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination. '

MUTHU & PRESS
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????? ???
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '*PRESS*' pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!

Happy New Year 2009

2008-12-31T15:42:00.000+08:00

WISHING YOU THE VERY BEST IN
　　╔══╦══╦══╦══╗
　　╚═╗║╔╗║╔╗║╔╗║
　　╔═╝║║║║║║║╚╝║
　　║╔═╣║║║║║╠═╗║
　　║╚═╣╚╝║╚╝╠═╝║
　　╚══╩══╩══╩══╝
¤ø„¸¨°º¤ø„¸ ¸„ø¤º°¨¸„ø¤º°¨
¨°º¤ø„¸ HaPpY ¸„ø¤º°¨
¸„ø¤º°¨ NeW yEaR``°º¤ø„¸
¸„ø¤º ``°º¤ø„¸ ¤ø„¸¨°º¤ø„¸¸„

Matrix 4

2008-12-31T09:18:00.001+08:00

Matrix 4 starring George W Bush.

Farewell Dinner

2008-12-26T08:57:00.003+08:00

Gecko Love Story

2008-12-24T16:15:00.000+08:00

This is actually a ceiling advertisement from Thailand.

Funny Batman & Joker

2008-12-24T09:36:00.000+08:00

Love and Marriage

2008-11-26T10:23:00.001+08:00

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

Neck Exercise

2008-11-20T14:17:00.001+08:00

Click image to view larger:

Legend Of Cigarattes.

2008-09-23T11:21:00.001+08:00

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have 2 friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro
In the Salem high country
I always carry a Mild Seven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And book into room number 555
I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried, "You are a Rough Rider"
You a riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she satisfied,
She answered, "I want More"

How To Start Your Day

2008-09-10T10:49:00.001+08:00

How To Start Your Day With A Positive Attitude

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

HAVE A NICE DAY.. :D

Boys And Girls

2008-09-09T15:46:00.001+08:00

Click image to view larger:

Gelak

2008-06-26T14:43:00.001+08:00

Laughter is the biological reaction of humans to moments or occasions of humor: an outward expression of amusement. Laughter is subcategorised into various groupings depending upon the extent and pitch of the laughter: giggles, clicks (which can be almost silent), chortles, chuckles, hoots, cackles, sniggers and guffaws are all types of laughter. Smiling is a mild silent form of laughing

Hellooww...
Nama wa Wong Ah Beng.
Wa seekor kucing yang pandai menekan2 keybod untuk memblogging.
Disamping itu, wa jua adalah seekor kucing ahbeng.
Hali ini hali Selasa. Hali ini, wa ingin belcelita mengenai jenis-jenis gelak ketawa di alam cyber, especially chatting. Pada pemelhatian wa, mendapati terdapat belbagai macam jenis ketawa. Ini adalah bagus kelana disamping boleh berhibur, kita jua boleh meng-stereotype- kan seseolang itu berdasarkan cala2 dia gelak. Belikut wa telah mengkategorikan jenis2 ketawa:

Gelak Boring -> "hehehhehe" atau "hahahaha"
Ini jenis gelak biasa sahaja. Tiada apa-apa yang spesyial. Kemungkinan besar ini orang talak kleatif punya olang kelana menggunakan jenis gelak yang normal.

Gelak Jahat -> "buahahahahah" atau "muahahahha"
Ini gelak seling digunakan oleh meleka2 yang di dalam evil mode. Untuk lelaki yang gelak sedemikian lupa, meleka adalah sememangnya olang jahat. Bagi polumpuan pula, melambangkan meleka adalah polumpuan yg tiada sifat2 lemah lembut lakyat Asia kelana gelak selupa ini maciam talak sopan.

Gelak Mengekek -> "kekekekeke"
Wa jamin awek2 yg gelak mengekek adalah talak cun. Wa punya teori simple sahaja: Boleh kah lu imagine Erra Fazira, Angelina Jolie, atau Jessica Alba gelak mengekek? Macam tak masuk akal kan? Adalah lebih mudah untuk meng-imagine polumpuan2 tembams atau gemuk yang tiada rupa gelak secara mengekek, lebih logik.

Gelak Mewah -> "hohoho" atau "huwargh huwargh huwargh"
Lelaki yang gemar gelak sebegini selalunya adalah meleka2 boroi dan baru lepas kekenyangan makanan. Kemungkinan jua mereka ini manyiak duit kelana ini maciam punya gelak ada selupa gelak olang2 kaya jua. Samada mewah perut atau mewah wallet. Untuk pelempuan pula, adalah tidak elok gelak ini maciam kelana "hohoho" adalah jua di-pronounce as "whore-whore- whore". Whore belmaksud sundal.

Gelak Mengukui -> "kui kui kui"
Selalunya mamat atau minah yang akan buat lawak tak kelaka pastuh gelak sendiri style maciam ini laa..Most of the time adalah disebabkan gelak nak cover malu kelana meleka sedar lawak meleka talak kelaka pun.

Gelak Cas Ayu -> "hihihihi"
Polumpuan yg gelak begini adalah meleka yang cas-cas ayu dan penuh sopan kesantunan. Konon-konon macam gelak malu2 laa ghitu. Tetapi jikalau ada lelaki yg gelak sebegini pula, adalah kelana meleka itu dali kalangan lelaki sotong.

Gelak Mengengeh -> "ngeh ngeh ngeh"
Konon cheeky laa sangat gelak ini maciam...!! Kebiasaannya meleka ini takder laa cheeky sangat pun but trying to be cheeky and stuffs laa konon. Perhaps they are. Perhaps they are not. Most of the time...lanjiao lu!

Gelak bangsat -> "ngeahahahah"
Sesiapa yang gelak sebegini adalah bangsat jua..

Kesimpulannya, sewaktu chatting, gunakanlah jenis2 gelak yang bersesuaian sama jiwa anda. Contohnya, jikalau lu awek cun, cubalah hindarkan dari gelak mengekek tak tentu pasal untuk mengelakkan salahsangka olang ingat lu talak cun. cukuplah sekadar menggunakan icon2 senyuman seperti :) atau :D lebih sopan. Tetapi sekilanya lu memang talak cun, adalah dibenarkan lu mengekek.

Survive A Day In Office

2008-06-17T10:51:00.000+08:00

Click image to view larger:

Super Salesman from China

2008-05-14T12:35:00.001+08:00

A chinaman moves to Montreal , Canada and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The man says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home'. Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?'

'Of course,' the young man said.

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. 'How many sales did you make today? The man says, 'One' The manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales per day. How much was the sale for?' The man says,
'$101,237.64 .' The manager exclaims, 'What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?'

The man replied, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then
I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero.'

The manager says 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!'

The man says, 'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said,'Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing.'

Did I read that sign right

2008-05-13T11:56:00.001+08:00

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1 ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Ah Beng

2008-05-12T09:25:00.001+08:00

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.

===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

===================================================
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

=====================================================
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

Monkey In the Plane

2008-04-15T09:13:00.001+08:00

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

2008-02-27T11:20:00.001+08:00

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713.....

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

Original Puma T-Shirt

2008-02-25T10:38:00.001+08:00

Stress Reliever

2008-02-20T09:30:00.001+08:00

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".. "My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 11
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me ? my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

Knowledge

2008-01-09T09:28:00.001+08:00

Knowledge

A scientific convention was held at a lakeside resort. After the first day's proceedings, a mathematician, a physicist, an astronomer and a molecular biologist hired a boatman to row them around on the lake.

As they sat in the boat, they discussed string theory, bubble universes, the Gaea Hypothesis and other abstruse topics. The biologist noticed the boatman looking at them from the corner of his eyes. He asked him, "What do you think of these ideas?" The boatman replied, "I didn't understand any of it." The astronomer asked him how far he had studied. He told them he couldn't even read. "I hate to say it," said the physicist, "but you seem to have wasted a good part of your life." The boatman remained silent.

By now they were out in the middle of the lake, far from shore. A sudden storm whipped up. The waves started churning and heaving. All of a sudden, the boat flipped over. The boatman started swimming for shore. The scientists cried out, "Help! We can't swim!" The boatman called back, "I hate to say it, but you seem to have wasted your whole lives."

Funny Ringtone

2008-01-07T12:15:00.001+08:00

The Obedient Wife

2008-01-02T09:16:00.001+08:00

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Ah Beng Jokes

2007-12-13T12:57:00.001+08:00

1. Movie
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

2. TV
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

3. Job Application
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes "

4. Shiny Object
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

5. Photocopies
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

6. Smile
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

7. 911
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

8. New Computer
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

9. Iron
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"

"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the other ear ?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

10. Taipei and Las Vegas
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?"

Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."

Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

11. Jigsaw Puzzle
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

12. Married
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,

"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"

and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"

Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

Real Science Test Answers

2007-12-05T10:00:00.001+08:00

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Japanese Hair Removal Ads

2007-12-04T15:16:00.000+08:00

Tragic Accident

2007-12-04T11:27:00.001+08:00

Unlucky Models

2007-11-30T16:45:00.000+08:00

Men And Women

2007-11-27T09:07:00.001+08:00

1. Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in general intelligence than men, although their brain size is smaller. Most women act dumb to make their mates look good.

2. Women are walking radar detectors, that is why men have difficulty lying to women. Their brains have the ability to integrate and decipher verbal, visual and other signals of body language. Hence women will always be safe when faking an orgasm.

3. Women want lots of sex with the man she loves. Men just want lots of sex.

4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch of voice. Women will raise theirs.

5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them silently. As a result, men think women talk too much and are nags.

6. Women talk about their problems as a way of relieving stress. She wants to be heard, not fixed by being offered advice and solutions.

7. Speech and words are not a specific brain skill for men. They find it hard to express themselves. That's why they often choose greeting cards with plenty of words inside. That way, there's less space for them to write.

8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with what he can provide,but because they are emotionally unfulfilled.

9. Women uses an average of 20,000 communication words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men only use about 7,000.

10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. But if she's not talking, you're in trouble.

11. Men are more thick-skined than women. Literally. Which explains why women have more wrinkles than men. Boys lose their sensitivity to touch by the time they reach puberty. So where does all that sensitivity go? It all goes to just one area !

12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she can't concentrate on her work. If a man is unhappy at work, he can't focus on his relationship.

13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When they stop their car to read a street directory, they have to turn down the radio. Women's brains are configured for multi-tasking performance. They can talk on the phone, watch the TV and cook at the same time.

14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20 minutes of clothes shopping.

15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place.

16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains. About 10% of women have masculinised brains. So there are more gays than lesbians in the world.

17. Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like the lights on - so they can get the woman's name right.

Syillings Domino

2007-11-22T10:49:00.001+08:00

Bear Asking For Food

2007-11-20T14:17:00.000+08:00

Importance Of Friends

2007-11-19T10:44:00.000+08:00

Click to view larger.

Orang Pompuan

2007-11-16T17:06:00.001+08:00

Suatu hari, seorang polis trafik bermotosikal ternampak sebuah kereta yang tidak berhenti pada lampu merah dan dipandu agak laju. Maka anggota polis berkenaan pun mengejar kereta berkenaan sambil membunyikan siren. Lama juga pengejaran berkenaan sehinggakan polis berkenaan "flashing" lampunya pun kereta berkenaan masih tidak berhenti.

Kerana tak tahan sabar lagi, polis berkenaan memintas kereta berkenaan dan berjaya memberhentikannya. Apabila kereta dihampiri, didapati pemandunya ialah seorang wanita.

Polis itu bertanya, "Puan..."
Wanita itu memintas, "Nama saya Datin Markonaz..."
"OK... Datin... Datin ni memandu tak tengok cermin pandang belakang ke?"
"Kenapa? I punya make-up comot ke?"

Cerita Doktor Pakar

2007-11-15T13:29:00.001+08:00

Pada suatu hari, seorang doktor pakar jantung meninggal dunia. Untuk mengenang jasanya, keluarganya sepakat untuk membuatkan sebuah tugu peringatan dikuburnya berbentuk jantung. Upacara pengkebumian pun berjalan dengan lancar.

Satu bulan kemudian, seorang doktor pakar mata pula meninggal dunia. Seperti yang sudah?, ahli keluarganya sepakat untuk membina sebuah tugu berbentuk mata dikuburnya bagi mengenang jasa beliau. Upacara pengkebumiaan beliau juga berjalan dengan lancar.

Setelah selesai, para hadirin berangkat pulang, hanya tinggal seorang saja yang masih merenung sendirian di pinggir makam si doktor itu. Salah seorang doktor yang lain melihatnya dan segera menghampirinya. "Sudahlah, yang berlalu biarlah berlalu. Tak usah engkau fikirkan lagi " kata si doktor.

"Saya tidak tahu apa yang harus saya katakan kepadamu," kata lelaki itu.

"Mengapa pula, mana tahu mungkin saya dapat membantu" jawab si doktor itu.

"Saya sedang memikirkan bagaimana pula upacara pengkebumian saya nanti" kata lelaki itu.

"Mengapa pula ?" tanya doktor tersebut. "Saya seorang doktor pakar penyakit kelamin" jawap lelaki itu sugul...

Nama-nama Jepun

2007-11-09T09:47:00.001+08:00

1. Yg pemarah - KEJI CACIMAKI
2. Yg tak suka brg mahal - SATO SUKAMURA
3. Yg bisu - KITA TADASUARA
4. Yg suka makan tose - NANACHI HITOSE
5. Yg suka lagu blues - APO NADIKATO
6. Yg suka belajar - ASIKO ULANGKAJI
7. Yg kerap bikin ribut - WAKASI HURUHARA
8. Yg masih bujang - MATIMATI TAMOKASI

Usahawan Prepaid

Karate Master

2007-11-07T11:29:00.000+08:00

Hak Siapa?

2007-10-08T14:21:00.001+08:00

Sepasang suami isteri baru bercerai dan mereka bertengkar untuk tentukan hak penjagaan anak tunggal mereka. pas tu mereka pun pegi ke pejabat agama, jumpa kadi nak minta nasihat.

Kadi tanye kat pompuan tu.... "Kenapa awak rasa awak yang paling layak bela anak tu?

Pompuan tu jawab... "Saya yang mengandungkan anak tu. saya yang melahirkan anak tu. dia keluar dari perut saya."

Si jantan (suami) terkedu sebab dia tau pas ni kadi akan tanye dia lak. ahhh... sudah... mende aku nak goreng kadi ni... .

Kadi pun tanye si jantan... "Hah... kamu.... bagi alasan kenapa anak tu kamu yang patut bela"

"Tuan kadi... kalaulah saya ada syiling seringgit, dan saya 'masukkan' dalam vending machine, pas saya tekan satu butang pilihan, maka keluarlah setin air minuman. Saya nak tanye tuan.. air tin yang keluar dari me sin tu hak saya atau hak me sin ?"

Jawab kadi.."Hak kamu le.."

Jantan tu kata lak.."Hah... sama le kes ni pun..."

Dialog Dua Hantu

2007-10-02T09:50:00.001+08:00

Dialog Dua Hantu

Tersebutlah kisah dua orang hantu. Mereka ni baru bertemu lalu mereka pun berborakla untuk mengisi masa lapang kehidupan mereka sebagai hantu. Sepanjang perbualan mereka, Hantu B ni tak habis-habis menggigil. Lalu, Hantu A yang kehairanan ni pun bertanya,

"Apsal kau ni asyik menggigil je?"

"Oh..cara aku mati dulu teruk..aku mati dalam peti ais...sejuk!!" Jawab Hantu B sambil menggigil lagi.

"Ooo..kesian... aku dulu mati sebab heart attack." Kata Hantu A ramah.

"Kau memang sakit jantung kronik ye? Apsal ko tak gi buat operation? Kalau tak, sure kau tengah lepak-lepak ngan family kau sekarang." Balas Hantu B.

"Dah,aku dah buat dah !In fact mase aku mati tu, aku in recovery. Panjang ceritanya..." jawab Hantu A sayu.

"Ceritala sikit..Sambil-sambil lepak nih.."

"Camni..Aku syak isteri aku main kayu tiga ngan aku. So this one day, aku ingat nak perangkap la isteri aku..Aku pura-pura gi keje tapi actually aku park keta aku kat simpang hujung umah aku je. Seperti yang aku syak, masuk sebuah keta kat carpark umah aku. Aku rilex dulu sebab nak carik mase sesuai tangkap diorang."

"So, ko dapatla tangkap diorang?" tanya Hantu B penuh minat.

"Tak. Aku cume jumpe isteri aku je kat dalam bilik. Yang aku heran, mase aku masuk umah tu, aku nampak ade kasut laki kat pintu umah aku. Aku tanye isteri aku tapi die takmo jawab. So aku pun lari-lari sekeliling umah aku nak carik jantan tuh. Abis sume bilik aku carik tapi takde pun.. Last-last, sebab aku penat sangat berlari carik jantan tuh, aku pun jatuh pengsan sebab heart attack. And aku tak sangka aku mati lak..." kata Hantu A mengakhiri ceritanya dengan kesedihan.

Hantu B terdiam mendengarkan cerita Hantu A. Selepas beberapa ketika, Hantu B berkata,

"Kenapa kau tak check kat dalam peti sejuk? Kalau kau check kat situ, sure kita berdua still hidup lagi.

--
http://www.clickaudit.com/goto/?73962

Perbualan Dengan Ultraman

2007-09-27T10:30:00.000+08:00

“Recently I met up with my idol
Ultraman in Tokyo, Japan, the city he has saved many times over from evil, destructive monsters. We met at an intersection downtown, bought drinks from a vending machine and sat on the kerb for this interview.
Me: Konichiwa, Ultraman-san!
Ultraman: Apa khabar, Visiteur-san!

Me: Wow! Ultraman reti cakap bahasa?
Ultraman: Mesti lah, beb! Gua ada ramai peminat di seluruh dunia. Gua kena lah belajar macam-macam bahasa.

Me: Cool! So, what you been up to, dude?
Ultraman: A bit tired. Fought a monster last night in ***ushima prefecture. We fought until we reached the seaside in Hamadori. A lot of people died.

Me: The monster killed so many?
Ultraman: Actually, gua terjatuh and terhimpit diorang.

Me: Er, I see. Banyak lagi ke monster kat dunia ni?
Ultraman: Ada lah. Tapi diorang dah malas nak lawan. Dah ada agent and publicist. Merchandising rights. Suma lawan nak dapat market share je. Boring lah, beb!

Me: I see. So camne brader-brader lu? Ultraman Tiga, Ultraman Taro .. ?
Ultraman: They all OK. Tiga dah bersara. Sekarang dia bukak restoran sushi kat Shinjuku. Bini dia baru beranak.

Me: Wow!
Ultraman: Yeah. Bini dia makhluk Bumi. So at first, family gua bantah, sebab we all boleh kahwin ngan orang Planet Ultra je. But thank the Ultra-Gods, my father, Ultraman yang bertanduk tu, finally gave his blessings. Cucu dia tu bertanduk jugak, so happy lah dia.

Me: What about Taro?
Ultraman: Taro tengah buat multi-level marketing jual ubat untuk kuatkan tenaga batin.

Me: Eh, naper Ultraman suma tak nak jadi superhero lagi?
Ultraman: Tu lah. Nowadays terlalu ramai superhero. Gaban lah, Power Ranger lah, ni lah, tu la. Yang paling teruk si Baja Hitam tu lah. Lawan cam pondan tapi marketing power dia kuat. Sebab tu boleh jadi popular. I always say, never trust superhero yang bawak motosikal, superhero yang pakai topeng pelik-pelik. We all Ultramen don't need all that cosmetic shit.

Me: Wow, marahnya Ultraman.
Ultraman: Siapa tak marah? Bagero! Superhero ciplak ni suma tak original lah. And they all no integrity or morals. Last week, I dengar Gaban kena tangkap ngan gadis bawah umur. You see?

Me: Man, that is sad.
Ultraman: Tu lah. That's why kalau tak Ultra, memang tak world lah.

Me: Wuhu! Lu peminat Mawi ke?
Ultraman: Adalah sikit-sikit.

Me: So, Ultraman, what's your future plan? You going to give up being a superhero too?
Ultraman: No way. I love my job too much. But my girlfriend complains that I work such long hours. And when I come home at night, I'm always tired and my chest light is always beeping.

Me: Woooo! Sounds like you might need some of that ubat from your brader Taro.
Ultraman: Good idea! I better give him a call tonight.

At this point, Ultraman receives a distress call from Yokohama, where a monster is attacking the train station. So off he went, into the blue yonder, to fight yet another worthy adversary. World!"

Petikan: Kedahonline.net

Surat cinta lawak yang sadis

2007-09-21T10:23:00.001+08:00

"Valentine hari tu ayang tanya tang mane kite sayang kat ayang. Time tu kite tak dapat nak jawab. Semalam ayang merajuk ngan kite, kite dah penat nak layan. Ayang call kat kite kite malas nak jawab. Tang mane erk kite sayang kat ayang? Semalaman kite duk pk soalan tu. Pernah ke? Maybe tak sedalam cinta Titanic atau Taj Mahal. Sayang kite kat ayang sangatla kerdil. Sebab tu la ayang selalu merajuk erk? Tak tahula, setahu kite:
1. Sebelum kite kenal kat ayang, setiap sem kite dapat Anugerah Dekan. Bile dah kenal ngan ayang, setiap sem kite repeat paper. Sebelum kenal ngan ayang kite belajar pakai duit biasiswa, lepas kenal ngan ayang, keluar makan lagi nak mintak duit ngan emak kite.
2. Kalau ade 1 buah epal, kite bagi je kat ayang. Kalau ade 2 buah epal, kita bagi yang besar kat ayang.
3. Kalau kite makan ikan, ayang makan tang badan ikan tu, kite pula makan tang kepala ikan tu je.
4. Ayang ni tak la cun sangat, tapi kite tak pernah kutuk ayang tak cun. Tapi kite yang hensem ni ayang lagi nak kutuk ngan member depan kite, kata kite tak hensem langsung. Eera Fazira berlalu depan mata, kite diam je. Takut kalau puji kang ayang marah. Mat Indon duk depan Sogo ayang gi ngorat time kite gi tandas. Siap mintak nombor tepon depan kite lagi.
5. Kalau keluar ngan ayang, ayang slambe nak makan Starbucks, kite tipu kite dah kenyang, padahal bile dah sampai kat umah kite makan mee maggi.
6. Sebelum kenal ngan ayang., kite tak pernah ade girlfriend. Selepas ayang kenal ngan kite, genaplah koleksi ayang ada 20 boyfriend kesemuanya. Kite tak pernah marah ayang plagirl, dah tu ayang kata kite cam sami buddha.
7. Kalau ayang rasa nak cium kite, ayang cium terus tak pernah tanya pun. Tapi bile kite rasa nak cium ayang, lepas tanye lagi nak kene reject.
8. Ayang selalu pukul dada kite, tampar muka kite, cubit peha kite, kite tak pernah tengking sekali pun, apatah lagi nak cubit, nak tampar, nak pukul?
9. Pernah ayang tanya kalau ayang jatuh cinta ngan laki lain, kite nak buat ape. Kite kate kite nak bunuh laki tu. Tapi bile kite tanya kalau kite jatuh cinta kat pompuan lain, ayang nak buat ape, ayang kata nak bunuh kite, emak kite, ayah kite ngan nenek kite.
10. Kite beli mask Clinique ngan ayang harga RM300 kite kate harga RM30. Ayang beli jam tangan kat kite harga RM30 ayang kate harga RM300.
11. Setiap kali berjumpe kite bagi hadiah kat ayang, tapi setiap tahun birthday kite ayang kate dah lupe.
12. Aritu ayang peluk kite kate nak sangat romen ngan kite, kite kata tak boleh, dosa. Ayang kate kite tak sayang ayang. Pastu semalam ayang pakse kite romen ngan kite. Kalau tak ayang nak break ngan kite. Ok pukul 2 pagi kite sanggup bawak motor sampai Jalan Pahang nak beli kondom. Ayang kate saje je nak test kite, pastu marah kite keji. Kite diam je duk tepi akuarium... tengok ikan emas tengah romen.
13. Kite rosakkan headphone walkmen ayang, kite ganti satu discman baru. Ayang rosakkan kerete kite, ayang buat derk je.
14. Sekali ayang demam, kite kene diet 2kg nak jaga ayang. Sekali kite demam, ayang tambah berat 2kg sebab abiskan makanan kite.
15. Kite tak pernah kata ayang pendek, ayang marah kite tinggi sangat, member ayang ketawakan ayang.
16. Ayang datang umah kite, kite tido sofa, kite datang umah ayang, kite gak yang tido kat sofa.
17. Mak kite belikan rantai Tiffany ngan ayang. Mak ayang tak pernah ajak kite makan kat umah ayang walau sekalipun.
18. Kucing umah kite bersalin, kite bagi anak kucing yang paling cute kat ayang, 2 hari je ayang bela, kucing tu dah mati. Ayang tak kate pa pe pun. Ayang bagi ikan emas yang dah dekat mati kat kite, 2 hari kite bela dah mati. Ayang kata nak bunuh semua anak kucing kite.
19. Ayang kalau nak pakai duit kite, terus ambil takyah bagitau. 30 ke 80 ke seratus ke selagi wallet kite ade duit. Aritu kite nak pinjam 10 ringgit sebab terlupe bawa wallet, ayang kate kite kedekut.
20. Birthday ayang kite tak pernah terlupe. Birthday kite arini ayang tak pernah ingat.

Best Joke Award winner in UK

2007-09-19T12:21:00.001+08:00

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

---

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

p/s: This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain

Train Coaster

2007-09-14T10:17:00.000+08:00

Mathematics

2007-09-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Seat Belt

2007-09-12T15:03:00.002+08:00

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY SAVE LIFE!

710

2007-09-12T15:03:00.001+08:00

This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....
But there always some exceptions?

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Now, this is how 710 looks like.........

Reasons Why I Never Visit My Rich Friend

2007-09-12T15:01:00.000+08:00

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : "What would you like to have..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,
Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.
Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst