Meaning Of Cars

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle..

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon…………

This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer,lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Tell your friends to frustrate them too.

Boss In Facebook

This is what happens if you add your boss as friend in your facebook:



As a conclusion, do not add your boss... :D

6 Phases Of Working

Phase 1
You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great.
Your co-workers are wonderful, your office is cute,
you love your boss, and your President is the best!

Phase 2
You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are
so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

Phase 3
You are listening to heavy metal --
This is  what happens after about SIX Months!

Phase  4
You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated  due to stress,
you're gaining weight due to lack of exercise  because you are so
tired and have so much work to do and when  you get home you have more work to do.
You feel sluggish and  suffer from constipation.
Your fellow co-workers are too  cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing  in.

Phase 5
You are listening to GANGSTA RAP --
After more  time passes, your eyes start to twitch,
you forget what a 'good  hair day' feels like as you
just fall out of bed and load up on  caffeine.

Phase 6
You are listening to the voices in your head --  
You have locked the office door to keep people out,
You  wonder WHY you are even here in the first
place and WHY did I  come to work today!

Oracle's Real-Life Q & A

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!' 

Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'

Management Course

Lesson 1 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story 
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. 
 
Lesson 2 
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 
 
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story 
Always let your boss have the first say. 
 
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 
 
Lesson 5 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 
 
Lesson 6 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  
Morals of the story 
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

A Letter To Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Teamwork

Click image to enlarge:

Wife vs Girlfriend

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Hand phone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptablebut for HP is high and often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote..HP don't have..


Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but HP yes......... .have VIRUS....... ........ once get it, terus KONG........ hahahahaha. .....
so better choose TV .....

...(but my friend claims he got fully anti-virus protection)

Cadbury Advert

Funny how the eyebrows move... :D

Top Management Training

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and

Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

The Mom Song

Nice Song... :D

How the Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
   
************************************************************************
   
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
   
I replied "Dust".
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
************************************************************************
   
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
   
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
************************************************************************
   
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
   
'I bought her a scale.
   
And that's how the fight started.....
   
************************************************************************
   
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
   
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
   
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
   
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
   
And that's when the fight started....
   
************************************************************************
   
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
   
'No,' she answered.
   
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
   
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
   
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
   
And that's when the fight started....
   
************************************************************************
   
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
   
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
   
And that's when the fight started.....
   
************************************************************************
   
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
   
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
   
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
   
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
   
And that's when the fight started.....

9 Words Women Use!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  ;
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying  *&^%$  YOU!
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:  Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
 
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Ah Beng And Leaves

Ah Beng was walking along his work area one day and saw his friend, Ah Mute.

Ah Mute couldn't speak so he uses use sign language to communicate.

Ah Mute signalled why Ah Beng wasn't at work.

Ah Beng looked around and gathered some leaves under the tree and stood on them. He looked at Ah Mute and pointed down at the leaves.

Ah Mute was confused....

Later, Ah Sian passed by and saw Ah Beng standing on the leaves.

Ah Mute then signalled Ah Sian on what was Ah Beng was trying to say ..

Ah Sian began typing on his handphone and showed it to Ah Mute.

'Aiyo so simple, Ah Beng Is On Leave!'

Letter Salary Increment

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
  
Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
 
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
 
Your$ $incerely,
 
Marian $hih



The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
 
Dear Marian
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
 
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
 
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager

Muthu

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'

MUTHU & HIS MANAGER
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview... .
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'

MUTHU & LONDON TRIP
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London  , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'.. that's why.'
Wife : ?????????

MUTHU & TOURIST
A tourist from U.S.A.  asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said , 'No sir, only babies were born here.'

MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'

MUTHU & DRIVER
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard
'WASH BASIN'

MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination. '

MUTHU & PRESS
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????? ???
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '*PRESS*' pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!